Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Self Pity

Sometimes... i swear...One of these days Dell...Bam! Straight to the mooooon!
The newest two entries have been sitting there for days due to Window's little complicated piece of shit firewall...If i sound angry it's cause i am.

Besides i'm feeling extreemly angsty and pissy today regaurdless.Wishing i had just but one talent worthy of being noted... Wishing life didn't try so hard to throw every obstacle my way it can in any endeavor i try my hand at no matter how small... Reducing me to screaming, ranting, pulling my hair out... and generally cussing angrily like i'm Donald Duck on a bender.

Yes... to publish a blog. Sounds simple enough.. worked before.. stopped working.. and gave me a list of reasons why it doesn't work anymore... Complicated instructions.

This is my life in general...Nothing is simple. Nothing. Not finding quick clothing to leave the house in... Dialing a number on a cell phone... Finding a brush to brush my hair with... Publishing a crappy blog entry... Getting somewhere on time...It's always. Always. Something. It can't be just me though... But i have a hard time believing everyone has these problems.. I can tell by the look in their eyes when i explain to them the reasons for certain things gone awry.. That... "It has to be some flimsy excuse.. this much crap can not possibly happen to one human being"... look they get... And i rub off imature, irresponsible, like i'm not possibly doing everything in my power to overcome the odds.

Sometimes my body screws me up, sometimes it's technology, shotty directions, crazy fuckers on the freeway, stray animals, nature, the people in my life...

It's like this fictional day:
I decide to go out to a horseback riding lesson or something...
I wake up and the car is gone.
After i awared everyone i would be using it.
They get stuck somewhere they just went for "a second"...
They get back...
We jump in car late..
We get on the freeway..
Someone drives like a maniac in front of us...
Almost hits us..
Hits someone else..
Pile.. up traffic jam..
We turn back..
Decide to get lunch instead..
Never have exact change..
Go back home to get change...
Out of gas..
Need Gas..
Gas pumps broke at regular place
Go somewhere else for gas
Get gas..
Go to get lunch..
See stray animal almost get hit
Run into traffic to save it..
Skip lunch and take it home...
Secure it for later rescueing...
Go out to get lunch...
Order food..
Wrong order..
Go back...
Made it wrong
Go back...
Have emotional temper tantrum
Eat food...
Go home..
Try to relax on internet
Internet breaks
Play computer games instead
Computer freezes...
Dramatic home fights ensue...
Dogs piss on leg...
Tempted to eat bottle of pills
Go to take shower
Someone clogged the shower
Someone clogged the shower with such disgusting things one might not ever enter the shower again
Shower unclogs hours later
Out of shampoo..
Decide to lay down instead of shower..
Plop down on cat piss
Gotta sit on couch and stare at walls
Until the blankets are done being washed and dryed
Dryer malfunctions
Hours lost
Chain smoke...
Go to kitchen for drink
Trip on tack in carpet
Pierce foot and have to go to hospital
Grueling long hours in ERVerbal abuse from doctors
Nurses who can't figure out how to do blood tests
Emotional Temper Tantrum
Gets yelled at for toe inconviencing others.
Comes home..
Dog jumped thru window..
Cats might have gotten out
Search for cats
Secure cats..
Lay out blankets...
Clean house exhaustedly just enough to prevent anxiety and fear of other peoples emotional temper tantrums...
Go to piss
Out of toilet paper..
Emotional temper tantrum...
Loses mind for minute..
Drains self...
Tries to lay down...
Can't sleep
Hungry now
No food.
Finds just enough scraps after much debate just to make the pain stop
Okay sleep now
NoI have to piss again
I pissed and was forced to wipe usings napkin from some long ago takeout
Now i can't sleep
The sun is coming thru the windowI have a migraine.
There is no Advil
My mom ate the whole bottle and is somehow not dead
We can't get any the car is gone
God i need a shower now
I can't sleep without a shower
And thats a day in my life.. not always to that degree but this is based on similar days/events..I mean.... I'll go to brush my teeth and somehow manage to magically drop the tooth brush in the toilet. I can't tell if i am cursed or i curse my self.... or all of the above. And i'm short tempered now.. i can't take minor set backs without losing the grits. Since, it happens so frequently, and has been happening mostly over the conjunction of the last 6 or so years of my life... and every year my patience has worn thinner... to the point... i personify Donald Duck and the window that wouldn't close.
I need valium... sometimes..
Cause i get that feeling like..Wtf.. i cannot believe i just went thru thatI cannot believe i just saw what i just saw thru my eyes.Yes..This is a pitty party.I don't have them that often...I'm having one now.Fuck off.What's it to you!I think i'm having that crisis...A crisis i never thought i would have...I was always so solid... and had everything mapped out..Everything according to calculations... Room for exception and failures penciled in neatly under the Plan B section of the map...And i could manifest nothing on the damn list. Nothing. I am not special. I am not talented. I am just another labelable piece of shit blending into the masses i despise. I am never going to live above the "barely povertous" mark...I may damn well end up in the streets. I will never be happy with myself...I will never accept my life for "what it is"I will never reach prime health..If i do manage something...I will live endlessly with regret and self loathing for the things i wanted more then life... but could not seem to bring to fruitation... for losing who i was when i liked myself... for ending up someone who was against all i believed myself to be... for the stupid mistakes i thought i was above making and could magically stop myself from making with a flick of the nose, and some will... for losing my memory... and therefore letting people walk on me... Lack of conviction... Sins on family/friends... Sins on strangers.. The whining...I am in a world of shit. And i'm losing my fucking mind.

CrazyCrazyCrazyAnd horribly pissed and confused. So what do i do? What's my answer to this?Nothing..Nothing i can EVER do right away..Nothing is ever fast or simple solution for even any of the tiniest, dumbest, most insignificant things most people get to do without passing a thought about...No plans i make can ever live past a day of being clear, unmuddled, unmolested by the consistant distraction and pain that is constantly my life. So they can never be executed...Because it's always SOMETHING. Instead...I get to press submit...And go about my shitty night.Refreshing internet pages in hopes of something to distract me for the last hours i'll be awake for the day. And then i'll try to live thru tomarrow.

Sunday, November 28, 2004
Mice & Dreams

The mouse we have been nursing finally passed away last night. I was sadly reminded of this when i woke up this morning, and did my daily dart up straight out of a sound sleep to check out on the mouse routine i had down. Just to be met with nothingness. No cage, no mouse... Weird feeling.That just happens sometimes...

Sometimes in a dream we recieve or have something that feels real and wake up still thinking it should be there... Those first few seconds before reality hits.

Or sometimes we just wake up, and forget we lost something. Sometimes it's something like a mouse.. or sometimes it's a person. Nevertheless it's strange and kind of cruel. You feel let down all over again. I wonder if i'll stop writing so much about animal things.Hmm.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

I'm writing while eating vegetarian tacos that my boyfriend makes very well.... mmm...

Thank you for those!

Other then that i got another quick reminder about how much i hate the valley and want to be rid of it as fast as possible before i go insane and take out a freeway with a machete.It can keep it's porn, careless drivers, and apathetic masses... it's trash + cockroach + black widow lined streets.... and rot for all i care. It's 99 cent taco stands selling gross cheap meat questionably, if even, passed by the FDA, it's coughing hookers, and daily highspeed chases... as well as it's smell... urban decay, and despairity. Yup. Screw the Valley. It may have once been a cute suburban area for nice Middle Class Americans to dot the streets saying things such as: "Like, Oh.. My... God... I Totally Got My Mom's CC Today And Like, The Galleria Is Like Totally Having A Huge Sale"... (which isn't much better)But now... now it is the ghetto/barrio/torturous pit of flaming Hell. Police stations being erected plop in the middle of neighborhoods. It's scuzz. It's filth level, only slightly under the radar of Vegas's... No care for life or humanity or animals or anyone but their own stinking carcasses. Their own cracking flesh, and their unsatisfiable holes... All there is... Is their pathetic disgusting little world... Where cruelty is just a way to get off an extra laugh... Or paint over their egos, and scars, some comfort. And only monsters can comfort themselves in the eyes of cruelty. And monsters should die.I said it... This world has too many... And they keep interbreeding and creating more. Apathetic, and self centered... that grows up thinking other life is just a commodity there for their own enjoyment, to shit on, piss on as they so choose... Or to abuse freely to exact some sort of pain on someone else. People who hit animals, and get a satisfaction at night thinking they offed someones pet haha, and they can't get in trouble for it... and if they do, not much! And yet they got to inflict some of the worst pain they could exact without jailtime on someone. Then they probably fuck something and fall asleep happy. Or just take sick comforts in the fact they could take a life, and are therefore somehow closer to being God-Like.Or people who are just in so much of a hurry to get back to watch American Idol, they don't take the 3 seconds it would take to slow down, or watch the road.Which they should have been doing, since that squirl could have been someone child running out to get a ball.... or someone's pet cat that meant the entire universe to them... If they have no heart for animals, surely they should have some for their fellow humans.And at the very least if it was indeed an accident... feel the pain/loss of their mistake and take some responsability for it... Like getting out, making sure it's not still alive and in need of medical attentions whatever they may be.. or at the very least moving it off the road to not be hit repeatedly so the owner can find/indentify it.. maybe with a note to ease the pain... an i'm sorry... and their phone number... or if it was wild... bury it...so that when one goes outside they are not greeted by a morbid traumatizing surprise that THEY have to clean up, and hurt over. I mean note or not, move it aside... It's just common decency.But that would be to much to ask in this shit town, from these shit people. They'll eat you alive, and anything you hold dear if you do not keep your eyes on it all at every minute.The last few that linger that have any decency in them should split before they are desensitized and robbed of it... And then the whole fucking shithole should go up in flames.

I need to get out of here before i lose it.

Thursday, November 25, 2004
Thanksgiving 2004

So today was Thanksgiving. Probably the most sorrowful thanksgiving i ever had... even including the years we just skipped it... or the years we where so poor our meal consisted of some homemade sphegetti sauce smeared on toasted white bread.It was cooked by a disgruntled angry woman who was mostly upset that she was not in charge of the computers... Who doesn't like us very much, and whom cursed every second of the preperation of the meal as if we stuck cold metal to her head and demanded her to make the food. As she stewed the potatoes, and basted the Turkey she cursed everything, and eveloped herself in a heavy cloud of self pitty.. consisting of her fantasy of how such a day like this should play out. With fakery, and syncophant behaviours... Ass kissing for the cook... Take their shit! Cause God Knows we appreciate the fact that their making the food for our lowly undeserving asses, and therefore should not react at the temper tantrums so rightly being had, or the unwarented angst and animosity... After all... it is such a huge feat to undertake for such low level creatures such as we... We should observe the distaste in which she works, and conform into the realization that this is what she has to go thru whenever participating in any nice or giving gesture at random for our Cockroach selves. Oh, but i forgot... EVERY gesture is out of the genorosity of her loving, caring heart... She asks for nothing in return. Except... when she doesn't get what she thinks she should without asking, there is often hell to pay.And of course...Right before Dinner...After a day of kicking us like dogs...Everything is fine, here is all your stuff..."Enjoy it, it may be the last Thanksgiving we are together""I'll never forget this day as long as i live" I reply honestly...And i eat my negatively infused meal until i can no longer stomach another bite... My meal having less joy in it then a 99 cent borrito that a rat pooped in... But i smiled and i said it was really good. I managed to feign basic excitement, and she managed to feign relief. Ground Hogs day was blaring in the background, i cramped, and my heart felt like it was in some kind of metal box.... My head ached, and i felt like my meer essence was being pulled from my frail body.... so i put down the fork and fidgeted alot.Some asshole outside kept laying on his horn... he ignored me when i screamed for him to shut up. He'd been doing it all day... And i got that old familiar feeling of wanting to take a Fast Forward on the rest of the day.... and possibly the rest of the season... I'm always wishing my life was a DvD, and i could just hit Scene Selection so i don't have to remain at a constant through the unbearable, so bad you think it might kill you stuff, and end up in the parts where i think it's all behind me... and that i came to some sort of terms or closure with it.Then i wandered around for awhile, until i could go back to the safe distraction of finishing my website.

And that was Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving & Cars

So the mechanic, apparently the non - hack mechanic located what was wrong with our car, and it will be rainbow and sunshine when it's done... Rainbow and sunshine... with smog passing, and the joy of it actually starting when you turn the key for a fair and reasonable price. Then... then my friends, we have a cute Celica that was in the end worth the buy, (but i don't know about the trouble).... A good mechanic in Los Angeles is a blessing, a blessing one should be thankful for.Thanksgiving... I guess we're having one. It came as a shock cause usually if the stuff wasn't bought by at least 3 days ago that was subtle language for "We're too poor, or lazy too Celebrate this year"....Ah yes.. Thanksgiving.. the Holliday the world apparently forget in lieu of their anticipation to bring Christmas real early this year.*shakes fist*I didn't even remember it was Thanksgiving until i mistakenly wore pajamas to the grocery store last night thinking no one but us shops past 9pm at night. And of course lo and behold it was jam packed with people rushing around like goons filling their basket up with as much crap as they could get their hands on... The whole store smelled like rotten Turkey ass, except one part of it that smelled like raw sausage so bad i almost yakked.All that and Cedar Lane got distracted by the Holliday rush they didn't make their grape leave delivery to the Deli... so i ended up buying the more expensive pre-packaged grapeleaves when for $6 bucks flat i'd have a months worth of savory goodness.... but no... cause that would mean i could have something. Lucky for me though, they didn't even *have* prepacked Grapeleaves before... We just discovered that a couple days ago.. When we made the most stressful trek in the world to find out they where out.... but at least had them prepacked to rape your wallet. The nice ladies at the Deli always attempt looking in the back for me, even if their closed or it's not grape leaf day. I love them. They are nice people... Or maybe they just see the urgency in my eyes... The day of the stressful trek had they been all out completely... after the bullshit squared that happened to us on the way there to get them... i think i would have been sobbing into their cheeses.This also reminds me that with the new fun of them stocking prepacked grapeleaves in the Self Serve Deli Buys, they also stocked Tambouli(sp?), and Cous-Cous.... all made by the magical hands of Cedar Lane... We tried the Tambouli this time for fun... and it is now officially on my food addiction list. I also stocked Olive Topenod for good measure. Sure it sounds ritzy, weird, and expensive.. but it's really not. I'd much rather have 4 grape leaves for lunch, then the regular scuzz... it's low in calories... and smile invoking. Mmmm. Or Tambouli on crackers...Anyways all this has nothing to do with Thanksgiving... and what i really wanted to do was do some kind of Thanksgiving entry.*Sigh* i guess i'll just do one later

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