Monday, January 31, 2005
White Oleander Review

I finished White Oleander this morning. I knew that would be one of my favorite books. It captures so much of some of the things i've felt. Not really what i've been thru, but felt. That novel would touch anyone though... I recommend it!

Shannon can have her book back now. I'll probably buy a hard cover copy later to keep, and thumb through. Thanks for letting me barrow it Shannon. :) I've been wanting to read that book long before the movie came out. I saw the reference on a website along time ago. Read an excerpt. I thought i hit gold when i saw Shannon had it... but i noticed they where selling it in the grocery stores now.

Odd timing.

It really captures the truth in life... No matter what way we pull away from our parents... We do. We must. The world changes then. It becomes less safe. Warm white lies fade into dark realities... The world and Freedom become a reality... Yet... Often, we'll never feel home in the same way we did as children.Lies are damaging. Even little white ones. It prepares no one... Living sweet half-truths in childhood is like growing up on drugs... When the drugs fade away, and your vision becomes sharp for the first time... You'll never be happy in the way you where back then... You may have even only registered it as pain at the time depending on how you grew up... Yet you crave it... like a masochistic dessert. Even if you find new happiness... You'll always find yourself craving those winds.The beauty.Even if it was marred.

Contorted.Regaurdless... you have to go on. Grow up. Write your own maps.
Seek new winds. It's just the way the world is constructed.
The way we're constructed.

Thursday, January 13, 2005
Puppies Born

It was a cold, boring, internetless night...I was playing with Jasc Animation Shop making random 100x100 icons that i will probably never use just because i was so bored that i enjoyed the monotony of the program, and i could take no longer Insane Aquarium Deluxe.

I had woke up late recovering from the previous stressful two days of being an un-slept, starving person... So i was doing whatever to pass the hours away, and vowing to get better sleep when i can...I noticed our preggie rescue dog was doing her usual rounds of "Look at me I'm in labor"... which she had been doing on and off for a week now causing us to cancel plans twice in anticipation of puppies that where never born... I looked down expecting the same ole, same ole, but my intuition along with common sense told me she wasn't faking it anymore... It was the real deal...I confirmed these suspicions when i touched her and she yelped in pain and shook uncontrollably.I told my boyfriend who was making some flash animation she was in labor... and to call my Mom to help so that one of us could get away to get puppy revival tools at Rite-Aid. You know... it's impossible to plan ahead anything in this living situation.

My Mom came over with purpous sparkling dramatically in her eyes. I was just trying to hold onto the dog, and get her to lay down... She was trying to escape me to run off, and have puppies on her own... Which we weren't allowing... Just in case something went wrong, we needed to be where we could intervene.. She is only 6 months old and got knocked up on her first heat... This can be very problematic for dogs.As people where running around in panic arguing about who should be the ones going to the store, and my Mom emotively claiming she needs to be with the puppy...I watched her have one...I broke my silence with..."I think she has a puppy""Are you sure?""Well, it's either a puppy or a kidney"...No one laughed at my attempt at humor in these times... but i got an ew. That's something i guess.On closer look it was definitely a puppy... pure white... i named it before the cord was chewed (Chester) :)... At first he didn't move, and i figured he was dead. I felt the panic rise up in my throat, when i saw her lick his face, and he twitched a little, then started to move.. She didn't chew the cord for a long time... and when she finally did almost ate a leg with it... Everyone was just watching this and telling me to help the puppy... I froze in terror for a moment... Realized no one else was going to bother to pry it out of her mouth... Surrendered and did it... The leg was miraculously unscathed... and i was really freaked out about the whole dangling it by a bloody cord being mooshed between sharp teeth.I wasn't faint tho...Just slightly freaked...I never saw anything give birth before...And the grotesqueness was new to me...My mom shout out commands as if we needed consistent commands... I either nodded, half ignored, or satiated to keep stress levels down. I wasn't going to start a stressful argument when the dog was having puppies...

Don't sweat the small stuff i guess... She was supposedly the seasoned puppy mid-wife, she seemed more nervous then me, and i was half expecting the Mother dog to die (especially since i read some scarry stuff on the evil Internet)... So that's pretty nervous... I figured thats how she was dealing with the stress, and let it go...We helped Chester to a nipple, and let her do her licking business... Until she kept licking him so violently he couldn't eat... So we distracted her mildly so he could get some in him...Brant ended up being the one nominated to go get the mucus squeegee from rite-aid... Since my Mother did not want to abandoned post...In his absence she gave birth to a light gold puppy. She was either a slutty stray, or coupled with a serious muttly animal. lol. It came rather easily... Since i was a bit freaked out by the gore, sat at the head with no backend visuals... My mom shouted out the details as they happened... I'm a visual thinker... So i lived this one vicariously... I found it odd she finally severed the cord barely in time for #2....Brant appeared toting baby squeegees, and my Mom yelled in panic that the tip was not long enough...

There was some argument as Brant tried to explain it's all Rite-Aid sold, and the tip was called a safety tip... He calmed my Mom down by explaining... and we where interrupted by another birth... This all happened in minutes after the last one... My mom had cut the cord for her in the last situation as she was helping along the babies, since they where coming abnormally to fast... I heard her announce this puppy was jet black... When Mommy dog got the sack off of it, we saw doberman markings on it... It was a mini version of my dog Dogma... This indeed confirmed our fears that we where not quick enough to the draw in keeping my Jedi, magic dicked dog from you know, completing his magic trick... Since he seemed to teleport an entire room and a leash and do it backwards... I felt ashamed... but also couldn't help BUT be cuted out at the mini version of Dogma curled up on the floor....Since she was trampling puppies, and losing her respective mind... We held the puppies as she continued to give birth... If we did not remove them... She chewed on them instead of the one coming out... She was slightly confused as you can imagine. It became the routine...Minutes after the dog we decided to name Mary Star... (after the Zwan song, and Mother Mary which also is related to the term Dogma lol)...The poor dog was giving birth again... She was so exhausted and without break that she could not lift her head to help the puppy being born. The puppy being born was also coming out in a U pattern it's spine bent and caught in the opening and struggling in it's sack... My mom reached over and popped the sack open with her fingers bravely, and splat the puppy fell out unmoving...Panic started to rise in my throat. I glared at the mother dog for not attempting to get it out of the sack sooner... As i was throwing blame at the poor dog in fear as i listened to the results from the safety of the head position... My mom was rubbing it to revive it, and sucked the mucus out of her lungs... Miraculously... She was okay... The reviving worked... and Mommy dog was not dead.. either... It was a happy moment... My mom cut the cord and Mommy dog passed out...

When i got up and looked back... i was worried the stress was to hard on her body... and envisioned that she might die like that... Laying there limply stone cold passed out... But i had a good feeling about the endeavor... I had since last week when we found out she was actually pregnant...The newly revived puppy was ridiculously large... with a huge great dane looking head... It was a gold puppy with a white stripe down it's spine.... Since it was a behemoth we named it Sally after Sally from 3rd Rock From The Sun... and we nicknamed her Silly Sally, as she became the most amusing puppy. She was quite aggressive for coming back from the yonder... knocking other puppies off nipples.Chester was the comic relief of the night... as he was the only puppy who would stupidly wander off and roll himself over on his back, and twitch.. and the first one to get stepped on, or knocked over by his mom..We nicknamed him Gilligan...While she slept we let the puppies nurse... and Brant ordered a pizza which severely grossed out my Mom.

We ate pizza, and fed Mommy dog scraps... She was so hungry from berthing she ditched her exciting new friends for cheese. Such is the nature of a dog. We where disgusted we where having Placenta-Pizza, but we had not eaten in a long time... and we where surely going to be there much longer...My Mother, sick to her stomach after bursting bloody mucus membranes, could not play her Kanasta game... since there was no Internet... So she desperately played the 1990 Solitaire Microsoft Edition game... It had cards in it... Good 'nuff i guess. It was sort of sad to watch, but amusing. Anything to get your mind off oozing goo, and the permanent stench of thick blood, and odors only birth can create becoming a tenet in your nose like it was rent controlled.

Yes i describe the gross shit, because it was part of the whole thing. In fact, as i write this.. i can still smell it faintly haunting the living room. We started to spread out and relax a bit... We waited a couple hours, but never left our post as we had no official room, bed, or anything set up. Like i said.We didn't plan ahead... lol. Finally after a few hours another puppy was born... another black one... This one caught me off guard, and she was in a very revealing pose, so i caught sight of the whole birth on accident i assure you...Brant was on the couch still non-chalantly chewing on some pizza crust... When he heard me go"OMG SICK""What""She's projectile shooting mucusy stuff out of her vagina Yes. She did. I saw it. It shot out like a water pistol leaving a stream of greenish goo on the clothing we laid out for her...Brant got right up there with a concerned look... and in a flash a black liver looking sack came out. We all laughed when i announced Dogma had another swimmer. I turned towards the gate where the other dogs where spectating to announce to Dogma it was a Boy... but he was out...It was a silly process... I would announce it to the other dogs every time a dog was born... When Mary was born... I laughed, and proclaimed to Dogma he was a dad... He looked excited and pranced in a circle... So then I promptly asked him angrily what he did... He looked guilty on cue. It was amusing to me... okay?

Even if it seems nerdy to you. My mom refused to take part in the puppy process anymore since she was battling nausea.. She blamed the placenta pizza, and having to break the sack open herself. So Mommy dog went for the cord herself...She chewed it too close and the new dog, whom was to be called Loki, was projectiling blood out of his belly. This is when i finally lost it and panicked good. Brant pinched off the cord... Then my Mom took a shot at it... She did it half assed and brought him back still bleeding. People acted like i was an insane idiot when i said grief stricken the puppy was still bleeding. Still, gushing blood he was feeding, and when i looked close the blood pooled up his stomach and around the nipple... I was sitting there thinking accusatory thoughts at everyone whom ignored me, and at my Mom for taking a mental health break... vowing to place resentment and blame on people if the puppy died lol... But finally they listened to me and pinched it off good this time, and he was okay miraculously. I was holding puppies helplessly mostly as i got the easy going first timer job of puppy sitting, so i was strapped. Gushing bloody stomachs wrapped up her involvement officially, and she went to bed... leaving us with a contracting dog... rampant puppies, and a never ending nauseating smell...We laid down with mommy dog and puppies.... and my body decided this would be a convenient time to bestow upon me my period. So to my amusement... i had to go right to my Mom's room and rouse her to fetch pads. This was funny in that "what more could be happening" way that things can have... and of course i wasn't prepared... the motto of the day is...we can never seem to plan ahead. Angrily she went, and fetched the pads. I kept laughing, and confirming it wasn't my fault. She came back, and we resumed relaxation again... We laid with her for hours watching her contract, and comforting her.. Occasionally helping Chester back to his mom...We kept musing about how it figures she'd draw the last one out to keep us up all night, since of course, it is our luck... And also how we where greatful that she didn't do what we figured she would, which was deciding to have them the minute we would be leaving to see The Complex. After much pained anticipation, at the disgusting hour of 3am, she had Bartlybe. He came rather easily, until a puppy in a temporary puppy holding box we set up, since i could no longer hold them anymore, whimpered... She forgot about the one still attached to her, and dragged it across the floor, breaking the cord in an unromantic, somewhat abusive fashion... causing blood to spill everywhere, me to almost faint, and the carpet... to be finally stained.

Yes... we where lucky up until then... carefully placing unwanted clothes a neighbor "donated" to us, under her. Bartylbe was okay though...We piled all the puppies back, feeling like he was the last... Brant at my Moms latter arseings... brought in the bottom half of the dog house from out back to make an official puppy bed sometime during the chaos... I was relaxing when...I saw something black skitter across the floor very quickly...It reached the rags, and i leaned in to look to find it was nothing other then a fucking Black Widow... In all the mess of the night... I screamed truly only once. That was the time. At the top of my lungs and mouthed CUP while doing it... Luckily the puppies where in a box.... and safe... but Mommy dog was stupidly edging towards it.. Brant was standing there going "huh wha where when"... So i was like "JUST GET THE DOG AWAY FROM IT!!!"... He grabbed her in panic knocking her into the widow, which landed on her paw... Which she twitched frantically and catapulted the thing to some unseen place... Which of course made me scream hysterically, and yell angrily as it could have been on ME for all i knew...I was the picture of old ladies in movies on tables freaking out over rats... or mice. My Mom came barreling out of her room screaming "whats going on"... and got mad when she found out no puppy was in danger, and it was just me who was in danger.... You know... Cause I'm that important. lol. Brant in panic shook the rags out on the floor with both I, and my Mom yelling at him to do anything, other then that, since we didn't want it on the floor.She then proceeded to go insane about the bottom half of the dog house, which we dubbed unsafe & unusable... Trying to pretend like the widows where in the clothes, that where hand picked thru, and air tightly sealed... I tried to explain to her Widows where using the damn thing as their own personal obgyn baby spot... and that there was still probably more where that came from. I explained i was not going to kill anything, drown anything, or otherwise cause harm to the spiders, and that we'd have to think of another method for housing, and take the offending thing... that even if i did agree to the above methods, still wouldn't have been safe to use...

She threw an unholy temper tantrum, called us psychos, and left. Just to satisfy our own curiosity we took a close flashlight look at the dog house to find one more widow, and several egg sacks...We took it outside very quickly... after that finding...The puppy kept us awake even longer by giving us one last fake out. In fact... every-time i asked if she was really having anymore puppies, she would contract and whimper on cue... but hours of waiting fruited nothing...

We dragged Kitty O's/Luma's/Whoevers at this point's cage in, instead to find, it was safe to use, and as large as the bottom half of the dog house... We set her up in the spare room real nice.. and laid there for awhile deliriously... The sun was casting shadows thru the curtains, and it was now 6:30am.... 11 hours... Brant went to get us a quick breakfast somewhere... And i laid in sickness & pain next to the area heater using Dogma as a pillow... whom i brought in, since he was so curious about the puppies... As a trade off for the sentiment... He was volunteered as a pillow... It worked out for all of us. And besides... he had no room to complain... after what he did... lol...My mom came in at some point to instill a fear in me that puppies could catch their head between the bars, and break their own necks or suffocate themselves. I didn't think it would happen or be likely due to the bar size, and begged her not to incite anymore things to have nightmares about then i already had. But the words sunk in my brain like knives, so i asked Brant to line the cage with cardboard... likely or not... i wanted to be safe... and sleep at some point.We quietly ate our breakfast... and took part in puppy holding... We felt better out of the stink of the living room... without much left to do... and just enjoyed the puppies... We helped them get to nipples... while mommy dog was to tired to do so. They where all dry now... and soft... they would curl up in our hands and sleep... Giving other puppies turns at milk...We watched as Gilligan still wandered aimlessly... Goldie bitched, and Sally the "Behemouth", knocked into everyone causing chaos, pandemonium, and dissent. Sally looks ridiculously larger then the rest of the puppies.Finally we took a few puppies out to hold in our hands, to give Chester a chance at special time with the nipples :).... We just held them... We sat like that for another hour i think.. because at this point we didn't know much else to do... Since it was all we where doing for 11 hours... And the puppies where warm in our hands, calming, stress relieving....Brant was talking to me, and i was understanding things he was saying on a very basic level. By basic, i mean kindergarten level. It had something to do with puppies needing to go back.. and something else...I had a puppy in my lap, and kept saying "Take the pizza"... I actually meant to say Puppy... When i heard myself say pizza i stopped in my tracks... and stared at Brant embarrassed he might have heard me, but thought my octave was so low he only understood the hand motion... and didn't hear me crazily call a puppy a pizza. Later i found out he did... but was to tired to care.He took the pizza (lol), and situated them all up, and i grabbed a warm Tiki... and laid down.Laying down felt like extacy. The pain in my back, stretched, and relaxed... Deliriously we tried to make running commentary about a Charmed Episode that came on randomly... Thinking it was funny to keep muttering "Charmed: In Leather Rags"....Then we passed out. And that's the story

Monday, January 10, 2005
1/10/05 With The Complex

We showed up @ the knitting factory at like 3:30 or 4pm expecting there to be the usual suspects and line... There was no one.
Only the rain.

One of my friends was late on arrival so it was just me, and my boyfriend looking confused... Suffice to say we yearned for a book or a game. But we were in a hurry...So we only brought ourselves.

We saw some Knitting Factory Staff, and hoped it was someone joining us in line... at last they revealed this was not so, they where hands. They kept us company anyways for a few minutes... We smoked, leant a cig out, talked of musical things... I believe it was the Manager or club owner who asked us about Zwan... My take on why it broke up... etc... We talked of our usual campings, and how/why i need to be in front to avoid smooshing, and view blockage cause i'm a shortie. We talked of our shock that it was so close to 5:30, and no one lined up yet to see The Complex...
He said we seemed pretty hard-core, and asked if we'd like to hear a sound check. Of course we did.We where stoked but nervous... We stayed mostly in the corner in fear of unnerving, or annoying the band, or someone... we where strange little flies on the wall... but happy ones.

It was pretty surreal to be in there... even after sound check... We kept to ourselves taking in the glory that is pre-show routines, and sound checks. We felt we should be helping... So we opened doors for crew. A nice photographer asked me to be a stand in... so i went back stage to do so... Back stage was kind of small, green, and scarry... And i think i should lay off the pies (lol) At some point The Complex was playing The White Stripes for sound check and we found this fun, and amusing. They sounded awesome... Much better then in the Mp3's floating around we're not supposed to talk about :OThe concert was mindblowing, and amazing. Mr. Billy is a *very* talented bassist, and an extreemly nice guy. He impressed me much...And we all know how Jimmy did... of course... magnificent drumming from the best drummer ever. :)

The effects they throw into their music come nothing short of Wow. They are a definate band to go see. The band walked around after the show and chatted with fans. And i got Autographs...I cannot wait till the next one coming up here pretty soon.. They said they'd do better next time we see them... So if that was the rough draft concert... I cannot imagine how awesome the next show will be.

Saturday, January 01, 2005
Fun With Shannon

Yesterday was weird. The dog didn't even have it's puppies. It was faking us out again. I think it's trying to hold them in to annoy us. Yes. That must be it. It's been acting like it's in labor for 3 days. It's getting severely inconvenient now, since we can't really leave it alone for long just in case something goes wrong with the berthing.*rips out hair**sighs heavily*

Last night Shannon finally came over at some point. She was not dead. She had "difficulties"... and thats why she was late.We got slushies and ran to pick up cat & monkey food. Grape Leaves and the tabouli was not being sold on the deli isle prepacked. This was disheartening, as that was the backup emergency way to attain grape leaves, and the tabouli (in which we garnish many things with). We did find a gem tho... Cedar Lane recipe Hummice trio... So while pure_lunacy was not able to be graced with trying grape leaves this time, we introduced her to Hummice. I think she liked it. Possibly, i will be getting a call later from her Dad asking where to find it lol, like last time."Stop introducing her to food i can't pronounce or find... feed her hotdogs instead"-Her DadLol.We ran by the candy section and decided to bravely try those Harry Potter jelly beans that have gross flavors in them. I made Shannon & Brant eat most of them... The most offending seeming of the gross flavors selection kind of wimped out on taste... But there was one truly disgusting Jelly Bean in there called Sardine. Who would think Sardine would be more disgusting then a Vomit flavored Jelly Bean? Since i was told the rest didn't taste like it was supposed to i got brave and tried Sardine... we all did unfortunately.It made us all sick.I spit mine out. My dog would not even eat it. Oh the horrors.We bought a dradle game lol, but never played it. We will though... it looks fun.Dradle Dradle Dradle I Made You Outta ClayWe had some of the marvelous hummice and introduced Shannon to some good old fashioned Strong Bad Email's.Then when we could no longer bear the 38 degrees in the house, went to my room to get warm under covers and share body heat... and ended up passing out to Coach or Wings or something.It gets pretty cold when your slumlord remodels your furnace into an air conditioner.*shivers*

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